I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
