I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
