You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
