my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
