First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
