He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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