Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
