She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
