I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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