Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
