He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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