when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
