no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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