"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
