note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize