thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Randomize
