someone get that fucking seahorse.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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