the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize