i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
