btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
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