I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
