nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Text me some of your sweat
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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