From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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