I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
