I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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