You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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