After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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