Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
