It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
