After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
