im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
