We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
