three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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