His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
