Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Duck Duck Cougar?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
