I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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