Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
