so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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