Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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