I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
