I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
