i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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