JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
