I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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