The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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