nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
