I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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