I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize