I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
