did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
