Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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