How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
do nipples grow back?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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