Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
