note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
