She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
