My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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