I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize