Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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