well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Randomize
