matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
