You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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