My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
