god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
