dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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